Wednesday, July 8, 2009

July 06th 2009

Okay, so this is gonna be a very long post. Since there´s a lot of things happen to me in this few days.

Hal pertama, adalah tentang dia.

Dia, who tells me that he fall in love with another girl.

BUT,

There´s a ´but´ there, in his sentence.

He said,” But I really like you and I do want you, and I don’t want to hear or see you going out with another guy even just to have some drink with, ever again.”

WHAT THE F*#K ???

Is he ever realize that I’m not only like him, but also crazy about him so badly ?!

Is he ever thought that no one in this world would ever make my world turn up side down just like what he does to my life ?!

NO.

I guess no is the right answer for this.

He wants me, but not as much as I want him.

He likes me, but not as much as I like him.

He hurts, but not as much as he hurt me.

I only feels this feeling like once in five years, and I need at least two years to make me fall out from this.

So I guess, I’m not gonna find another person who makes me feel this way, specially in my time as an au pair, here in The Netherlands, since I only have 10 months left.

Hal ke dua, hari sabtu malem, gw ke Leiden. Dimana gw udah izin sama hostdad dari hari rabu. Gw tanya sama dia, apakah hari sabtu mereka punya plan gitu pas malem, karena ada museum nacht di Leiden mulai jam 8 malem, kelar jam 1 pagi. Gw diajakin si Oxal. Hostdad bilang great, dan dia bilang ok. Hari jumat, gw konfirmasi sama hostmom, dia bilang juga ok. Pagi-paggi di hari sabtu, abis sarapan, mereka manggil gw untuk ngomong. Hostdad bilang, dia ngga suka kalau gw keluar pas hari kerja, even gw udah free. Gw shock. Gw bilang,” So you want me to stay inside the house, even it’s Saturday night, and I already finish my work, and you and your wife are at home?” Hostdad gw mikir lama. Ada kali 10 menit, karena sepertinya dia punya banyak pertimbangan di otaknya. Lalu akhir kata, dia bilang,” No.”

Gw shock. Bukankah itu hak gw ? Bukankah gw udah melakukan semua hal dengan baik ? Bukankah gw udah berusaha mati-matian untuk jadi au pair yang baik ? Bukankah, sekalipun mereka ngga pernah ngeliat gw telat kerja, atau bahkan melakukan kesalahan kecil (atau mungkin besar), karena lupa sama apa yang mereka minta ke gw ? Bukankah gw udah melakukan kewajiban gw semaksimal mungkin ? Tapi kenapa satu demi satu hak gw di renggut ? Kenapa hostdad gw semakin bikin banyak aturan dan semakin bikin gw males jadi au pair mereka kalau ‘harga’ yang harus gw bayar adalah kebebasan gw bersosialisasi dengan dunia ? Pertama, mereka sampai sekarang belum merealisasi internet di kamar gw, dan ini udah dua bulan sejak gw sampai disini. Padahal itu permintaan gw yang pertama banget waktu hostdad menginterview gw. Hal ke dua, gw sama sekali ngga bisa noonton TV karena TV di kamar gw ngga ada colokan ke listrik dan ngga ada colokan antena dan mereka juga maunya jam 7.30pm keatas, itu cuman mereka aja di ruang keluarga (hostmom dan hostdad), mereka merenggut hak gw untuk jadi pintar. Sekarang, hostdad ngga izinin gw keluar di hari biasa, meskipun gw udah free time dan gw pun paling keluar cuman dua jam aja.

Gw marah banget. Gw pengen bilang kalau gw keberatan sekaligus mengeluh, tapi entah kenapa ngga keluar. Akhirnya pas gw lagi di Amsterdam ditempatnya Dewi, gw cerita sama Tyas dan Dewi. Tyas mengingatkan gw kalau sama orang belanda kita harus ngomong aja, ngga usah takut. Mereka malah seneng kalau kita ngomong daripada kita diem aja. Dewi menyarankan untuk ancem aja (ya, yah, dewi emang lebih emosian daripada Tyas, dia tuh abisnya udah kesel banget, secara kan dia yang tau banget situasi gw =D). Tyas ngasih tau gw gimana ngomongnya sama mereka dan lain-lain. Tyas, meski lebih muda dari gw, dia lebih dewasa dari gw (yah, yah, banyak orang selalu lebih dewasa dari gw =D).

Jadi kemungkinan gw akan ngomong sama mereka besok malem, pas anak-anak udah pada tidur. Jujur aja, semua keterisolasian ini membuat gw gila. Gw tinggal di kota kecil dimana penduduknya cuman berapa orang, dan sedihnya, di kota ini gw belum punya temen deket. Mana lagi, ngga ada internet ngga bisa nonton tv, ngga bisa baca koran. Come on, I used to be that girl, who her friends always turns to her whenever they need some more information about what happen in world today. I used to be that “ newspaper” kind of gal who likes to discuss about news with her friends and digged it more from my point of opinion, and argued it with my friends opinion, and that’s make my brain not dead.

Sekarang, semakin gw marah, gw semakin memikirkan apa kata Reyhan sama gw :

“ F, you have your life here. You’re talented writer, and you are in the path of making your dream job as an author come true. You tells your people to do something here, not being tell about what you have to do. You smart, as in left or even your right brain. You’re something ! So why you have to do au pair ? Although you move forward about where you live now, but I guess you’re more step backwards in your life than going forwards now.”

Gw selalu bilang sama Reyhan, kalau gw ngga merasa hidup gw jadi mundur ke belakang, it just a whole lot different than what I had back in Indonesia. Gw juga selalu bilang sama Reyhan, kalau I want to challenge myself beside I also need some way to live in europe to get more inspiration on my writing project.

Tapi sekarang, gw merasa Reyhan bener. Karena kenyataannya, semenjak gw di Belanda gw bukannya tambah pinter, gw malah tambah tolol. Gw jadi lebih banyak berputar-putar dalam urusan cinta gw kebanding urusan cinta novel-novel gw =p. Gw menjadi sosok seorang cewe yang dahulu gw ngga pernah suka.

And you know what the worst part ?

I change from a person who used to think about going out, see the world and beat it to such a woman who think about settle down, in a middle ages !!

And I, hate it. Hate it so much. Now I just don’t want to wake up and find myself facing another judgement from myself about myself.

And the last thing is about the fact that I found my hostmom really loves me and I really loves and adore her so much and how much I love the kids more than what people could see (including my hostparents). Everytime I have my days off and I went to another city, I always think about the kids and I missed them. I just want to go home and hold Faye, playing cars with Lou, and give nana a very good hug while I whisper that I love her.

But is it an enough reason to force myself to deal with all the thoughts in my mind ?

Just, tell me the truth, please...coz now, i'm dying inside (well, specially my brain =D).

Hal lain, kemaren minggu kan gw nginep gitu di amsterdam, di tempat temennya gw. si Dewi ituh, ketemu sama Ruby deh. Heran, kenapa yah, gw selalu punya temen cowo untuk jadi temen berantem ??? UDah terjadi semenjak gw kecil ! Apa itu ada tertulis di muka gw yah ?? Soalnya gw sama Ruby tuh udah kya Tom and Jerry klo kata Dewi =-p.Tapi bagus deh, lumayan buat hiburan =D dan pelipur lara =D.

PAs hari senin kita ke Harlem, sempetin ketemuan dulu sama musuh, a.k.a Ruby, abis itu cabut !! Ah, di Harlem akhirnya aye beli kamera juga =D, sayang harus di charge dulu, jadinya belom bisa dipake, ngga pa-pa deh, ntar kan gw bisa balik lagi, deket inih =D

No comments:

Post a Comment